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Video made with: vizzy.io
Audio: Suno
Lyrics: Written, arranged, and edited by me
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[Verse 1]
I rolled myself a spacer and I loved him like a son,
Strength of nine, a steady hand, I named him Captain Dunn.
I sent him to the Scout Service, the bravest of the brave—
He failed his first survival roll. I’m digging him a grave!
[Chorus]
I lost another one in character creation! (Lost him!)
Before we ever played!
I lost another one in character creation,
Three hours and no campaign’s been made!
Two-dee-six keeps turning on me,
So I bow my weary head—
There’s a body on my graph paper
And I HAVEN’T PLAYED HIM YET!
[Verse 2]
So I rolled myself a merchant and I swore he’d see it all,
He survived his term, I got too bold and signed him up for the haul.
Re-enlisted four more times to grab that mustering hoard—
He died one term too greedy and I screamed and flipped the board!
[Chorus]
I lost another one in character creation! (Lost him!)
Mustered out inside a box!
I lost another one in character creation,
I’ve a graveyard where I should have stocks!
Two-dee-six don’t care I named him,
Pour me out and bow my head—
That’s the second guy this evening
And they’re both stone-cold and dead!
[Bridge]
Now the Referee is cackling, says, “Just roll another, friend,”
I’ve sat three hours in this chair and watched a half a dozen end!
I only want a starship with a blaster on my hip—
But they all roll up “Deceased” before I ever board the ship!
[Verse 3]
So pour me out a soda and I’ll grab my dice once more—
But I’m DONE with feeding heroes to that Scout Service door!
This time I’ll outsmart the bastard, keep my fella safe and small—
[Verse 4]
[the chef’s theme, a little proud, a little pathetic]
So I rolled a little nobody and I kept his ambitions low,
A humble cook named Pierre with nowhere brave to go.
He tried to join the Merchants but he flubbed the enlist roll—
Now he’s broke and unemployed… but BLESS the dice, HE’S WHOLE!
[Final Chorus]
[full band, triumphant, loudest gang vocals]
I finally KEPT one in character creation! (He lives!)
He made it through the test!
I finally kept one in character creation,
He’s the worst, but he’s the BEST!
Two-dee-six can’t kill a no-one,
Raise him high above my head—
He’s a jobless, skill-less spaceman
But the man is NOT YET DEAD!
[Outro]
Four hours later… we finally begin. Presenting our hero: Pierre—No career, no credits, no skills—one cast-iron skillet and a heart full of soup.
…The adventure’s a derelict warship crawling with pirates.
…He brought a ladle.
BUT HE’S ALIVE! HE’S ALIVE! WE’RE FINALLY GONNA PLAY
…he choked on the soup. You need to roll up a new one.
DAMN YOU!
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